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In this photo provided by Brown-Forman, a turtle walks on part of area to be used for the Kentucky Turtle Derby in Chicago. The taped race will air Saturday at 7 p.m. on YouTube. The Kentucky Derby will be run Sept. 5, kicking off Labor Day weekend. ItÕs the first time the Derby wonÕt be held on its traditional first Saturday in May since 1945, when it was run June 9. Looking for a slower substitute, the first Kentucky Turtle Derby was hatched. (Dominic Udell/Brown-Forman via AP)


Sad About The Kentucky Derby Getting Cancelled? Here’s A Turtle Derby Instead

It’s really come to this. huh?

While sports have been cancelled, we have all been subjected to watching sad, desperate attempts to help fill the void of emptiness we have in our hearts. From watching NBA players compete at H.O.R.S.E to watching MLB players play The Show, it feels like every day just gets more depressing. Today, the Kentucky Derby was supposed to be happening, providing degenerates like myself the opportunity to yell at horses on my computer. Thankfully, Old Forester Bourbon has stepped in to try and help idiots like you and I today with the Kentucky Turtle Derby. I don’t know about you, but I’m fucking pumped to yell at turtles so I can cash my imaginary bet. The race starts at 7pm EST and you can watch it here:

Update: What a fucking race, What The Turtleneck (86/1) took home the W despite being a huge underturtle. I lost my bet and I’m back to being sad.



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