Would you believe me if I told you there’s someone out there with a better batting average than Babe Ruth and Ted Williams, in addition to a higher on-base percentage than Lou Gehrig and Barry Bonds? While I do have to disclose that we’re comparing baseball and softball stats, I don’t care, Jenavee Peres is a fucking monster of a player. If you haven’t heard of Jenavee Peres, I want you to know in the back of your brain that I don’t know what the line of scrimmage or a handoff is, and I am about to teach you about sports. Peres is an impressive player in her own right, but I feel like it’s important to draw out this Heisman Wet Dream family tree.
Ever hear of Troy Polamalu? If you’re like me, and just realized there’s only one quarterback on the field at a time, you probably thought he was a Moana character. And in this case, you’re right! While he does have a small role in Moana, he is also Peres’ maternal uncle. He also happens to be a Samoan Safety God, who played football like it’s a Gladiator-themed Pantene commercial. If I saw that mass of hair during a lineup, I’d turn around and walk right back into the locker room. I don’t care if I’m breaking my contract, God Himself whispers into that mane, and I don’t fuck with divine interceptions.
So obviously there is some kind of genetic lottery going on here that the rest of us didn’t get a draw from. In order to really drive home how unbelievable Peres is as a player, as of her junior year at UCLA, her batting average is .409, her on base percentage is .466, and her slugging percentage is .743. If you’re still not impressed (fuck you, by the way) she did all of this while giving birth her freshman year of college, and continues to play as a caring mother to her two year old son. Was Barry Bonds 3 months pregnant on the field? Did Ted Williams suffer abdominal cramps during his home runs? I will not say anything about Lou Gehrig.
Honestly, there is so much to Jenavee Peres that gets overshadowed by her Hall of Famer uncle, and her now rising-star cousin, Isaiah Pola-Mao, safety for the USC Trojans. I could care LESS about another Polamalu/Pola-Mao safety, I only care about Jenavee Peres not being able to finish her last season with the UCLA Bruins due to coronavirus. It kinda pains me that she won’t be continuing her softball career after such strong season, but I know that there’s another player on her team who deserves her very own article just based on her family and stats.