Greetings, folks. I hope you are all enjoying your NFL Draft as much as I am. To start off this blog, it’s important to share a few details. There may or may not be a few people who I may or may not owe a little or a lot of money to. These guys aren’t exactly pleasant to deal with. I don’t want to call them “loan sharks” or imply that they would hurt me in any way, because if I were to say that… they would most certainly hurt me.
So, for the time being, I’m laying low at an undisclosed location. Last time this happened, I stayed in an abandoned Radio Shack for like 3 weeks. That was one really depressing camping trip. Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is that my current home lacks any sort of decent cell service, WiFi, radio, and all that jazz. I’ve been getting my information from JAWS through this bunker by using two cups attached by a string as a telephone, so please bear with me as I try to figure this out.
“Bill Murray signed a free agent contract with the New England Patriots.” That’s all I was really able to decipher from what my good friend was trying to communicate to me. The audio quality on a string cup phone isn’t particularly great and his horrible speech impediment sure didn’t make it any better. Nonetheless, that’s enough information for me to go on.
I’ll start off by saying that I’m very very confused. Actor, comedian, and filmmaker, Bill Murray is going to play for the Pats? This came as a surprise to me. From our perspective, it seems like this is a very drastic shift in his career. The man is 69 years old and has had an incredibly successful career in the film industry. Who am I to say that it means he can’t follow his dreams?
That being said, I don’t see how having Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, or even A Very Murray Christmas on his resume would land him a spot in the NFL. However, if you’ve ever seen Space Jam, I suppose you can’t deny that he does indeed have somewhat of an athletic background.
I have yet to observe his performance on the field, yet I look forward to seeing how his experience with Saturday Night Live will carryover to Monday Night Football. To be frank, signing Bill Murray is not necessarily the worst decision the Patriots have made throughout the draft.
Considering that: A) We passed up on Jake Fromm. B) Jarrett Stidham has a passer rating of 18.8. C) Brian Hoyer may have a more promising career as a second-string bald guy on The Joe Rogan Experience. D) JAWS never mentioned what position Murray would play, so I think it’s fair to assume that he may replace former QB and recent traitor Tom Brady for the starting spot in New England.
- Known for his 1st round-worthy acting abilities in his performances ranging from Garfield to Lost in Translation, Bill Murray has proven himself as a “Swiss Army Knife” player. To put it simply, he has to potential to be a “Taysom Hill, but with more Golden Globes”.
- He’s 69, making him one of the older players in the league. This could make him a great team captain, become old people say wise shit all the time. To keep his body in shape, Murray could consider following the diet of his predecessor. We’ll see if he can go without some tomatoes, eggplants, fungus (don’t eat that please), and just about everything else. But most importantly, Bill Belichick has had plenty of experience training elderly quarterbacks throughout his career. Maybe this was the plan all along.
- From a marketing standpoint, after a series of let-downs by everyone we loved in the franchise. This is the greatest thing to ever happen to New England. Even if he’s not the best athlete on the field… the franchise will make so much god damn money. I will pay $1000 right now to watch Bill Murray play professional football. If he’s good, that would be pretty cool, but it’s not really a requirement for me.
- He’s also around 6’2″, which is just under average for his position. We’re still putting that one on the list of pros, simply because that’s way better than what you should expect. Fun fact: the average height for male lead roles is just under 5’10”. Also, Russell Wilson is around 5’11” so Murray’s got him beat.
- He may actually be very very bad at football. His Tune Squad days are way behind him and there is a possibility that his teammate, Michael Jordan, may have carried that whole team anyway. Oh! And it certainly can’t help that Space Jam was totally fictional and also based on an entirely different sport.
- He’s 69. There’s a pretty high chance that he’ll die if he gets sacked or tackled… maybe even once. Maybe we can introduce a new rule that you just can’t touch him. Better yet, it’s flag football but he’s the only one with the flags. Everyone else can still beat the shit out of each other. This sounds like a problem we can address way later.
- From a marketing standpoint, after a series of let-downs by everyone we loved in the franchise. This is the greatest thing to ever happen to New England. Even if he’s bad… like really really really bad… the franchise will make so much god damn money. I will pay $1000 right now to watch Bill Murray play professional football. If he’s good, that would be nice as well.
Now clearly, there’s a good case to be make for Bill Murray starting as a QB for the Patriots. There may be a few issues here and there, but I feel like we can make it work. Thankfully, I’ll be getting out of my bunker tomorrow. I should be able to update this blog with more information. Hopefully, I was able to publish this top-tier analysis without making any silly assumptions based off just one sentence. But for now, I’m going to go ahead and wish my luck to the man that could potentially be our next franchise quarterback, Bill Murray!